I Find Myself Doubting My Choice...

August 1, 2014 was my last day of work as a pregnant woman.  I told my employer at 10 weeks that we were expecting so that they would have plenty of time to prepare for me to be out.  We talked about hiring temporary employees to fulfill my position while I was out every month from then on.

I interviewed a woman and we decided she was the one.  She started on July 1st and I trained her for 3 days that week.  Monday morning, after the wonderful 3-day weekend, I showed up and she had quit.  I was screwed.  I put feelers out and we found a replacement for her that day.  My new temp started on July 8th.  She was great.  My job is intense and overwhelming and not exactly as everyone would assume it would be for a desk job.  I trained her for 4 weeks and it was time for her to spread her wings and fulfill my position until Christmas when I would be returning to work.

So last Friday I was sitting there letting my newly painted toe nails dry and waiting to get my way past overdue nails trimmed and painted when I received a phone call stating that there is a rumor that the temp we hired to fill in for me while I have this baby put in her two weeks.

What the eff?!?  This can't be true!  I've only been off for 1 week exactly and I had talked to her 8 hours before this phone call and everything was fine!  I trained her for 4 weeks to do my job for me and while I understand that it is A LOT and overwhelming, how could she be quitting??  Before my due date even!

My mom was with me and I couldn't believe it and then I went into panic mode.  I, of course, then called the hubs and had to tell him.  I guess the added part of this story is that we know this woman on a personal level and now professional as well.  Hubs told me, as I knew he would, that I needed to text her myself and see if it was true or if it was just a rumor than to squash it because corporate rumor mills travel faster than the speed of light.

Long part of this portion of the story short, it is true.  She did put in her two weeks.  Her last day filling my position will be August 22nd!  Enter the most horrified look on anyways face here because I'm sure that's what I looked like.

So panic mode has once again set in.

I have to go back to work now and just work until I have this little boy.

I have to call them and offer to come back right away since there is no time to train anybody else and the job won't get done.

I have to figure out a way to let them let me work from home after he is born so that I don't have to jeopardize my time with him.

I have to fix this.

I find myself doubting my choices with my maternity leave.

Why am I a good person and feel guilty for the company?  Why do I feel as though this is my fault and I need to fix it?  Why am I even contemplating going back sooner than I want for them??

I don't have answers to these questions, but as I sit here writing this post I am still thinking about all of these things. 

I should go back as soon as I can because we could use the money.

I should go back to help them because without me it won't get done.

I should go back because I know that they are angry about this whole situation and are blaming me.

I should convince them to let me work from home for a few additional weeks so that I don't have to leave Caleb as soon.

And then I hear what my mom tells me:  "If you died they would have to come up with something, so you should just let them figure it out now and enjoy your leave with Caleb."

And that's true.  If something happened to me unexpectedly - not while pregnant and out on leave - they would have to figure it out.  I wouldn't be an option to come back earlier to help them.  I wouldn't be an option to train the next person before said accident happened.

As guilty as I feel, I know that this isn't my fault.  It isn't my temp's fault either.  They will have to figure it out and the company will survive without me for 17 weeks while I care for my baby boy.

Is it as simple as that though?